Growing Up Explained Through My Eyes

The Biography of Antoinette Willis

Dear K
penguins
nette_08
We haven't talked for a minute and by this time most of the memories we once shared are far in between from your mind as it is from mine. Yet still there is still certain things that creep up when I have no energy or thought on something else. Why did you pick me? Because I had the sweet innocent nice girl attitude that seemed like easy picking? Did you even like me at all or was it a game to pass the time since you and your girl were too busy fighting? I will never get these questions answered but it does bother my mind. Why did I have to be the side chick? Did I deserve that from you from anyone? That's a question that will remain open and who knows if I even really want the answer. People always say God doesn't give us more than we can bare but he is also a jealous God.

I don't know what the lesson is that he is trying to teach me, I'm scared of what else he has to show me if he is not done. Were you the lesson? Was the result the lesson? Or is this the lesson? I still have yet to figure that out. I think I know what it might be. Slow down? Stop looking for love in all the wrong faces? Stop? Its hard to determine exactly what someone wants from you, you just hope and pray that its something that will not harm you in the long run or someone else. If it does I guess you have to take your time to heal from it however long that takes. But is the healing process good enough? I used to tell myself that only those who I care about can affect me in such a negative way, but its more than that. I find myself caring about people who don't care about me or getting feelings for no reason or jealous. For what? So I can continue to waste my time on someone else? I think I have the answers for one question and then I get a ton more and then they just keeping coming one after another it never ends. When will it end? When will my hatred for you and my anger and my frustration end with you? When will my heart, mind, and soul have peace. When will my emotions finally FEEL? That's what I really want to know, that's something you can never answer. A selfish person like you has no idea the hurt you caused me or the pain.

You lie at night doing what you want to do and have no care in the world of the people you hurt and the people you lie about and to. I keep saying to myself that karma's a bitch and it always come around to those who have done wrong to others. Maybe it will come to you, maybe it won't. Maybe I will get to see it, maybe I won't. I would love to see, I think that would make me extremely happy in the end but would it make me a whole person, no. A Christian doesn't seek vengeance of any sort, although I know half of us do wish it on people, I'll be honest and admit that. I have thought about vengeance on you, I have thought about smearing your name all across the city just to say you can't hide nor do you deserve to be happy. But for what? So I can get arrested and in trouble for defamation, even though what I would write would be true to a "T" your not worth my time and mind.

I spent a lot of money for my education and then to let it go to waste on you, that would be sad on my part. I guess we all have our demons to face, some of us will just keep pushing them in the closet to hide them, others will walk away as if they have none or society created skeletons that they didn't help in making. I have skeletons but most of mine I am not afraid of them. At the end of the day, my skeletons are a constant reminder that there will always be wounds to heal and wounds leave scars. But, to never let those wounds go so deep that they can never heal. Your a scar and you left your mark, but living with regrets all over me is something that I can't do or allow myself to do. For what? Life is mine to have and to take, I see everyday people making their dreams come true so why can't I? Because like you said I don't believe I can do something I have so much going for myself I let myself stop me. I can do anything I want to do, still can and will strive at it if I give 100% so why don't I? Because I am afraid of failing? Hell you only fail if you don't try, if you don't speak up, if you don't take the next step. One thing I did like about you, you encouraged me to do better to have better to want better. Even when something goes back the yang part pulls you in having you to want more.

I wonder why you don't take your own advice and live to be better not just to "impress" whomever it is but for your kids? I am sure they would want to see a man about his business an not always doing his business... but that's up to you and not me. That's an era in your life that you have to be ready for when you can be... I guess.

I guess for tonight that is all I have, the mind is finally settling down and I think my emotions have eased. Writing this letter to you, even though you will never read it gives me some kind of comfort to know that I can release some anger out, disappoint, regret of not knowing. Maybe this is what God wants me to do, write from my heart. Its the purest thing that I have to give and maybe the longest latest impression that I will have left to give to society. Maybe he is telling me to accept my calling and stop running from it because I am too scared to follow through with what I need to do. Maybe this is my stress relief and comfort, at the end of the day this is my mind and heart on paper and no one not even you can take that away from me.

Graduate Level~ Still at home
penguins
nette_08
So I graduated from my undergraduate studies last year in August, a very happy moment for me. I then decided to take some time off since I had been in school for almost 10 years working on my different degrees. During that time I volunteered on the Obama Campaign and became politically educated on what was important for Obama to win as well as met up with former volunteers. It was a lot more stressful I think the second time around because there were less volunteers than 2008 and the economy had changed. Some of the old addresses we went to were now abandoned apartments or condemned buildings. But we really lucked out this election and he won. I was able to meet him and get a picture and autograph from him, he was very nice and charismatic, down to earth and laid back. Most of the time you wouldn't think that about certain politicians and some of the them you can defiantly tell that they are douche bags in disguise. Long story short, I met some interesting people who I have remained in contact with and others drift in and out but its still nice to hear from them from time to time. After I volunteered I decided to work on my graduate studies. No employment panned out from the Obama campaign but I felt more educated about what areas I did not want to work in, as far as the future in Political Science. So now I am in my graduate studies at Keller University under Devry University studying Public Administration. I am putting my focus in Non-Profit Organization taking a couple of business classes so I know how to effectively manage individuals as well as adapt to changes in a corporation and business. So far the technical side I am struggling to understand how to incorporate them in my discussion with my fellow classmates, but for my Human Resource class it comes out easily and I can connect with the class more. I have four projects due, two in each, where I have to dissect a business from top to bottom or bottom up and explain based on the theories of Organizational or Behavior changes a company goes through. For one class I have to compare and contrast similar businesses on their models of why they changed, they had to be publicly traded and have similar backgrounds to relate to real life changes. I have an idea of the type of country I want to explain how and why they had an Organizational Change due to external factors but I might try to challenge myself and talk about a company that is close to me but I have not shopped at.

As far as the family dynamics go, my grandmother has deteriorated right in front of my eyes. She has lost so much weight and its hard for my aunt to accept the way she looks. She has lost over 60 pounds in the last year, her skin color has changed from light to dark, and she had a severe case of psoriasis so she scratched majority of the top surface of her skin off which has left her with deep scars. My aunt took her to the doctors and they have informed her she only has 3% kidney function so time will only tell how long she has to live. In my mind my grandmother is in denial because she believes her kidneys are functioning fine because she uses the bathroom as much as she had before. She's not realizing that they are not doing their job by taking all the bad things out of her body but instead leaving them there. Its hard to explain things to her now, if you go against what she says she feels that you are being argumentative and dis-respectful even if she is wrong she feels that she is never wrong. My aunt is holding so much in that a lot of her family feels helpless to help her because she won't let them in enough. Both my cousins have tried to reach her but she avoids talking to them I think she uses her being busy as an excuse to escape. She's really not that busy anymore, physically she decided she could not teach anymore for health reasons and went on disability with the state. She had to switch out her life insurance and health insurance because she is no longer a teacher which cut her pay. So monthly she is losing out of 1100 dollars and that adds up at he end of the year. Since state laws have changed all the tax exempt products and receipts that she could claim on her taxes, now have to be taxed into her file, so no more extra money if there was anything to gain during the year. My uncle still has yet to become a U.S citizen and they have been married for almost 10 years. She has spent an x amount of money to get him his green card. I shake my head at all the bullshit that goes on with foreign governments and how someone can become one.

Me and my sister on the other hand feel trapped in this house. It has become a prison of lies and secrets. We are not allowed to tell people things or say certain things because my aunt wants to tell people on her own time and I just don't understand it. I don't understand her thinking and why she feels she has to hide things from her family. I understand about people she isn't close to but, when you start hiding things like financial hardships and foreclosures on your house that is serious. Especially from people who can really help you and give you direction on where to go. I look at the house from the inside and it looks like the walls are crying for help because they see the years of damage that has been done to it. The bone structure is slowly caving in and its screaming for something to help nourish it to health again. On the outside I can see the house breaking down all the things that needs to be fixed and refurbished. If my aunt ever thought about selling this house she would have to work from the outside in and update everything my uncle has torn apart which he thinks he has helped. I glance into my grandmothers room and the amount of clothes she has accumulated over the years now can't fit them because she has lost so much weight and at the same time the amount of papers she has hoarded through the years. Me and my sister found a church program dated back to 1997... yeah that was in my grandmothers dresser drawer. Not clothes or shirts but mounds and mounds of papers that she has kept over the years for various reasons she thinks she keeps for memories.

She doesn't sleep in her room anymore, now the couch downstairs is made up like a bed and she has started to accumulate a lot of junk in her corner which she feels she needs that much stuff as if her life is in order. My mom has started to come around since my aunt and her are on an agreement when she takes care of her mom she gets a bus pass and 20 bucks. I know that pisses off my aunt because she feels that mom should do it willingly without pay since that is her mother. But, for whatever reason my mother needs the money so that's another argument that they have every now and then. I think my aunt is more angry that my mom is involved whether it's for selfish reasons or not I think she feels that we could do it without her but I like having my mom around more often. Slowly I am starting to feel less stressed when she is here because I don't have to check too much on my grandmother and slowly I am starting to wonder why my mom left. I also am understanding how she felt probably when she was younger never feeling good enough living in this house. Its like a dynamite ready to go off, you do one thing and it pisses someone else off. You have an opinion and your looked as selfish or ungrateful, but if you are my aunt or grandmother its okay to voice how you feel and if you disagree with someone its within their rights to have an opinion and to constantly disagree with your opinion even if its your right to have an opinion. Sometimes for me its a constant struggle to stay happy and lie through my teeth to people when they ask me how I am doing. I want to scream to them that I am unhappy and I don't have a voice and not all glitter isn't gold. When will my life start and when will I have the freedom to do what I want when I want. But, all I do is keep my mouth shut hoping a praying one day I will get out and I won't have to pretend to be happy but I will finally be happy. I don't want to be viewed as being selfish or ungrateful for all things my aunt has done or the little sacrifices she has made towards my college graduation. But, I feel that if I ever were to tell her no, she would look at me as if I didn't have the right to or if I refused she would look at me as if I didn't care. I also feel like her husband is allowed to get away with murder.

Writing seems to be my only escape from my tragic adult life, I wake up hoping that tomorrow is going to be different knowing in reality I wake up to the same nightmare and the same sad depressed state. The only way out is to find some type of employment and hide my money and secretly move out. I'm afraid that if I tell my aunt how much I make once I get employed she would want half to help her with her bills every month and I feel that would set me back from leaving. Don't get me wrong I want to help my aunt and grandmother out as much as I can but, I financially have my own obligation to build back up my credit and pay back my loans. You can't have too many hands in the cookie jar if there is only a few cookies to satisfy a few. I don't want to live like my aunt being 45 years old and married with no children still living with my mother. Because she chose to live with her mom that's her chose but that would never be mine. I also don't want to get as old as my grandmother and be weak and physically unable to do simple task that everyone around me is able to do and I am angry and disappointed with the way that I am. So one way I have started the hope to recovery through exercising with my sister praying that as the years go by I get my years back that I have lost through the weight that I have gained. Well long story lots to tell and let out, hopefully it won't be a long time the next time we talk and I have to divulge myself in a journal and to many who I may never meet.

Til then....

Summer of Graduation
penguins
nette_08
So it has come to this one class left and I am finally done with my undergraduate level of college. At this point I have no idea if I am going to grad school, if I do decide I think I will try Cleveland State and see if I can get local internships in downtown Cleveland which I don't think will be that hard. I recently sent my resume and cover letter to Columbus so I hopefully will get hired in to the Obama Campaign here in Cleveland. That will give me more training and I will finally start off with a pay check. I also applied to work at Rally's and hopefully get a job at Deals close to my home that way I can a local job in my area and not rely on a job somewhere I don't live.

My class grades finally came in and I was shocked that I had a C in my Critical Reading and Writing class because the first 2 papers were not my best and the quizzes he had us do I did not do so well on them. But I guess at the end of the day I can still pass a class if I really want to and try hard enough. If I think about getting a further degree I will have to practice my writing skills better. Even though I hate poetry that is a part of English Language no matter how boring it is.

Me and Josh are doing okay thus far hanging out with each other. We recently attended a comedy show with his favorite comedian which I doubt majority of people have not heard of him, his name is Jim Gaffigan. In real life he isn't that bad he's actually kinda funny and I can see why he appeals to Josh. The idea of the lazy white man I can see that in Josh when he decides to sleep all day and not do anything on his day off when you don't have time to do anything. But I guess who wants to do anything on their day off if you don't necessarily have to. Plus I think spending time with him is giving me a break away from my sister who is so dramatic for no reason helps to make me not go crazy.

I am also planning to make an Akron trip to see my Big and Alex for a little bit, I bet Akron is really pretty in the summer and this will give me another break away from my sister. So far me and my sister are trying to lose weight by walking up and down our street but I know my body, I am going to have to physically work it out and sweat for at least an hour straight before I can see some results. Josh wants to go to a water park and I don't feel too comfortable wearing my bathing suit all like that since I have gained weight.

Well more to come this summer...

End of Spring semester 2012
penguins
nette_08
This Friday will be the last class I have at the University of Akron for the spring semester for this year completely in 2012. After next week I will be taking my last class at Tri-C finishing up my degree in Political Science. So I sit here and wonder what the future holds for me in the next 3 months on whether I will be able to find a job for me. I have sent out a resume to the Board of Elections in Cleveland I still have to write my cover letter which shouldn't be that hard and then fill out the application for a job offer I hope pans out for me in June. Besides the year ending I am very happy that I am more calm and ready to graduate and gradually enter the big boy world. I am also hoping my sister is able to find an internship for her career soon rather than later. I think she finally realizes the importance of having a job that you want to help support the degree you graduated with and not just a job that has a decent amount of money. I think she learned the hard way but it is a good thing she learned.

Sorry if my writing sounds spacey I think its just time for me to go to bed for the night and wake up in the morning and study hard core.

Final Spring Break
penguins
nette_08
So this is my last Spring Break that I will experience for the rest of my life or until I go back to school if that is what I choose to do in the future. So I tried to get as much as my projects done during the week and some were a success in other ways it was a total failure. I have yet to practice my Charla for Spanish and I am really nervous that I will fail since I have no note cards or made up questions to what I want to ask or how I would like to answer. I also don't feel as adequate as I should in my Intermediate class but, I can't doubt myself now that I am this close to ending the semester. I am also hoping to get my grade up in Professional Writing and American Literature since both of my major projects and tests were not so good. I have 6 weeks left to turn this semester around and start believing in myself.

I weighted myself this past weekend and I am still not at the weight I would like to be at this point in my life. I was hoping that I would weight at least 230 pounds by the end of March. But I still weight over 240 pounds. So I guess when I'm done with school and keep myself busy during the summer I will be able to lose weight even faster. But knowing me and what I want to do versus what I actually do is two different stories.

So I guess I will head back to getting work done while I still have a little bit of time left.

March
penguins
nette_08
Well Spring Break starts at the end of this week and already I have plans to try and get the majority of my projects done or at lest attempt them. I feel like this is going to be the heaviest work load I will have and I mine as well get most of it done while I still have the time. That way when April roles by I can some what relax because I will be working and traveling a lot.

So me and Josh got into our first argument since we have been hanging out. I guess I am pissed because I'm content where we are but at the same time I want more. I wish he would be honest and up front and say hey I don't mind hanging out with you I just don't see myself dating you. I wish he would just say that but he doesn't. I wish he would be the typical guy with the famous line of " I'm just not that into you." He always answers I don't know where I see us long term like he is determining if everything goes well now who knows what 5 months will bring which is confusing for me. Then he always wants to determine what I am going to do as soon as I graduate as if I am going to just leave. That's not fair, the only person that can determine that is me and it pisses me off when he does that. He wants to plan ahead when there is nothing to plan on. Were not in a relationship but yet we hangout together as if were dating. We don't go together but yet he buys me stuff as if we our. Neither one of us our talking or seeing anyone else but were both single and can do what we want. Wouldn't this upset you and make you feel like your stuck in something that does not exist and yet your putting time and effort into as if it does. That's how I feel I honestly feel like Josh should just say I just want to be friends that's what I want completely. Don't flirt with me, you pay for your own meals, your own dinner and we can be two separate entities instead of acting like one. That's what I want him to say I wish he would say that. It hurts my feelings ever time he says the emotions of someone who wants nothing but yet gets everything. Loves the affection but doesn't want to give it. Needs the attention but only when its convenient, so selfish and unconcerned of how I feel about things especially when it comes to him. I hate explaining my feelings to him constantly cause I feel by now he should get it. Its not like I hide them from him and its not like I don't tell him on a day to day basis how I appreciate the things he does for me and yet I have to. I have to open how I feel when in fact I shouldn't have to. But I don't think I should share those feelings with him anymore. I also feel that I love to be hurt by him because here I am again hanging out with someone who gives me the cold the shoulder when it convenient but will say he is being as open as possible to me and honest. Maybe it me. Maybe I want him to say the words I think can explain everything but he is and I am not listening.

I don't know I feel lost every time it comes to him. On the other side of the fence I will be getting my Spanish test back on Monday and I have another test on Wednesday. If I don't get a good grade on this test I honestly feel that I will not pass this class and there goes my graduation I feel lost completely in my future and whether or not I will finally have a degree in my collective field. I just wish things would come to me easy and they don't I hate college so much and I just want out.

Family life
penguins
nette_08
So today was an okay day, the school was kinda closed. Instead of celebrating President Day on Monday like everybody else the university switched it to Tuesday. So I was supposed to wake up around 9 or 8 this morning to start my day off and write and study. But I did not get up til 11:30 so I was already behind schedule. I quickly worked out for 25 minutes did a little laundry and hung out with Alex surprising her residents who have never had a birthday party. She decided to throw them a small celebration which was nice. I studied for my first APO test today and I ended up with a 98% because I did not explain a answer thoroughly but I don't care I passed the first quiz. We also had a little Easter hunt so I got a whole bunch of candy that I really can't eat a lot of, lol. I have been doing good on my weight loss but still no weight has been lost. But hopefully since I am achieving or working on another personal goal that it will finally become successful. I passed my other personal goal by not eating any ice cream for 19 days or until my birthday which I was able to do and I am proud of myself. So now I am trying to workout for 30mins each day for the next month. I think if I can do this for a month I will extend it to the next month. I am just trying to do baby steps until I finally reach my goal of 200 pounds. Its still hard for me to say my exact weight online or when I am talk to anyone.

So we had a Career Fair last week and I gave out my resume about 8 times so I have to get on it and apply to some of the other locations. I felt a lot better at this job fair and what I wanted to do and what I was looking for better then when I was at Cleveland State. I was more prepared and very outspoken and I wore the right outfit and looked conservative. I had my resume looked over by the Career Center adviser so it was more ready for managers and human resource managers to look at. So far I have gotten two contacts from two perspective positions at two different companies I just have to follow up and remain in contact with them.

So my sister and I have had almost in every phone call confrontations. Its like she spends the majority of her time arguing with me over the little things that I have chose to do in my life or what I chose not to do in my life. She must have an opinion about them, good or bad. The situation that I feel towards her is sometimes hostile, its like she wants to argue with me over everything and I don't know why.

But that is all I can say for now gotta go to be early day tomorrow and much to do at the same time.
Tags:

Being Healthy is the first step to loving yourself Part 2
penguins
nette_08
So I have not given up on exercising, I just have to get my body back in the mix of things. I am stiff all over so I have to fully stretch every part of my body out to obtain the flexibility I once had about a week ago going on two weeks. I have started to get myself prepared for the Career Fair, I am more nervous than I was when I went to the first career fair. I think the only reason why I feel that way is because its all or nothing. I have to be able to land a job here, if I can't land a job here than I have to do the outreaching as much as I can with what I know and who I know and that is very limited. So I have to spend the next couple of days researching all of the companies I have gained interest in and see where I would fit in to their perspectives and new hiring list. I also have to make sure that I at least print out several copies of my updated resume so if they ask for it I will have that available for them as well. I have already gone to the Career Center and they have looked over my past resume and told me the way it is supposed to look and how updated my information should be as well as any awards I should have printed on my paper and that I should stick it to one page only no more than that. I don't know if I will be doing a cover letter but, the advisor basically said that I shouldn't worry about it because a cover letter is usally asked tengent on my getting an interview and is a summary of my resume.

So that is the good news with that, although I need to use my time wisely when it comes to this weekend. I took a Spanish exam today and I think I bombed it. I did not feel confident at all when I was taking it so I have no idea. I also think this was the worst week for me. I got my paper back from Critical Reading and Writing class and it was a bad grade, I didn't fail it but he basically ripped my paper apart and of course told me to go to the writing center. So I am walking my behind to the writing center and having them look over what I need to correct so that way I can get a better grade. I also have to redo another assignment for my Professional Writing class, its just part of the process before we actually get a grade on it and it needs to be a B or higher in order to be used in a real life situation. By the way I though most of these English courses would be easy, nope they are hard just like my Spanish course so I guess I proved to myself as much as I want to write or would love to do it one day, I suck at writing how I feel and explaining it thoroughly.

Anyway my sister called me and told my she has a over the phone interview so I hope she does well. I wish she was here getting all the tips that I get for phone interviews so she does not screw it up. Sometimes my sister is an air head so she never fully explains herself as well as she should so I am really worries that she will end p messing it up when she really does not mean to. My sister contemplated on getting out mother a birthday card mainly because our mother really does not make an effort to know here children or try to evolve herself in their lives as much as she should. But you never really know, my aunt asked if I was going to invite her to my graduation in August. I told my sister yes, I would like my mother to see me get my first Bachelor's degree but who knows I invited her to my graduation when I got my Associates Degree but that's in the past.

I have not talked to my dad since I have been back in school, again its the same relationship I have with my parents, non existent. It's really sad that I have no relationship with the people who have basically given birth to me. It makes me lie at night sometimes wondering what more could be done on my part when I feel that I have done everything in my power to make a connection. My cousin Micheal is making an effort to come to my graduation, he asked my aunt to ask me when the date would be which is nice. I guess I should make an effort to talk to him considering I did not think about him even coming to my graduation which feel great.

On a even bigger note I have to make sure that I apply for summer school before times runs out and I also have to make sure I feel out financial aid for the last time which I am excited about. I don't have to take out any more loans and maybe I will be a big refund check so I can pay off this stupid credit card bill that I have been trying to pay off for the past 10 years almost. I know what most people say is you pay off what you owe and then just keeping making payments to build up your credit but I really just want to get rid of the card. The last time I kept making payments I got it down to the lowest payment on it and then started charging again to pay for school stuff. But I guess we will see

So me and Josh are doing ok, I feel like in some cases its going to be okay then in others I feel like I need more of an effort. If I don't make the first moves then he will never. But, I also feel that he's a guy or supposed to be the guy in the relationship he should make the moves. I don't know what to do. I'm definitely not into re-dating right now just like being around him and having fun but at the same time while I am having fun I am noticing things that I don't like mainly him being unemotional and not showing some type of interest in me even though he says he is attracted to me. I don't know I'll just leave that one alone.

Being Health is the first step to loving yourself Part 1
penguins
nette_08
So my weight loss life has been a complete failure I think I have given up on this so called adventure to lose weight. No matter how hard I try it seems that my body's metabolism has shut down completely and I have emotionally given up. I still count my calories when I eat out or eat on campus. I still drink water and only drink soda maybe once a week or two but exercise...Yea, that is basically the evil nemesis of my existence. I don't have the time for any of it. This is the busiest I have been with school, volunteering, projects since I first left Kent and working out just does not fit into the equation at all. If I work out then I sacrifice time reading, studying, preparing for the next workshop class I need to build my career. If I do study and prepare myself then I miss out on a lifetime to gain life and be healthy. So what am I supposed to do? I could work out at night but the body does not burn as much fat as it would if it was during the day. I don't wake up in enough time to exercise at 6 in the morning to get the cardio in like your supposed to. Its just so depressing and aggravating to see so many people on tv do it at home and succeed and I'm in school and struggling.

(no subject)
penguins
nette_08
So, I applied to take my last class at a college closer to home and I had a meeting with the dean of my college and she had no problem giving me permission to take my last class. So now I have to make sure I apply and transfer the last credits back to the University so that they can send me my diploma. So happy and excited. I also took my first test for Spanish and I got a decent grade of a high C, basically I was one point off from getting a B which I was upset about but, that was way better than my first initial grade in Beginning Spanish 1 where all I got were F's and D's. Long way coming I have to say, I have to keep this up and hope and pray this last class I take since it's only a 5 week course and its a 2 hour long class 3 days a week. But enough of that, so far my senior year to coming along the way I like. I am up on my homework, well most of the things I am into and don't have to dread reading it because it is extremely boring..i.e my Critical Reading and Writing class.

Another thing which I didn't expect was me and Josh talking again and on good terms. No one in my family knows except for my sister of course became I have to tell her everything and not one of my friends no because I want to figure things out for myself. This time I am going to look at the future and not the past. I know that he hurt me in the worst way and what he did was wrong and yes could he do it again probably, but I think he has learned the value of what he had and also has learned what he stands to loose if it happens again. I can't keep holding the past against him and punish myself for being constantly mad at him. That's not something I want to live my life with or have over my head like this bitter old lady at the age of 25. I am going to be another graduate and I should look to the future not the past. I feel more positive and out going when I think of the possibilities I have going for me at this point nothing can stop me but myself. He even knows there is not guarantee that I will be living in the same state so at this point we are hanging out with each other and enjoying the time we spend together which is nice to have. I like talking to him and discussing the news of today, most of my friends I can't talk to about politics because it upsets them or they just don't care. With him oh he like discussing it especially when he thinks he is right when in reality he is wrong.

My sister is still looking for a job and she has volunteered to work at a hospital to get some experience but I feel she needs to physically go in and talk to an administrator to start gaining experience sine she graduates in October with her Bachelor's Degree in Health Administration. My aunt recently received her tests back from her doctor about her kidney's and he told her that she needs to go on dialysis immediately. Her kidneys are at 12% which as you can see is the worst place for them to be at plus she was at 80% just a month ago. I don't know what she plans to do, she is scared about the procedure and thinks there has not been enough research on it for her to go into surgery. My grandmother on the other hand is now in a nursing home going through physical therapy for her legs. Her knees were at a point she could barely walk and my aunt called the EMS to take her to the hospital. It was in enough time because the hospital found blood clots in both her knees, her blood pressure was high, her diabetes was horrible, she was also dehydrated. So I am glad she is getting better and she now has color back in her cheeks. So besides some family set backs the year is looking steady for me lets hope it remains that way no telling what is going to happen in the next 10 months

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