We haven't talked for a minute and by this time most of the memories we once shared are far in between from your mind as it is from mine. Yet still there is still certain things that creep up when I have no energy or thought on something else. Why did you pick me? Because I had the sweet innocent nice girl attitude that seemed like easy picking? Did you even like me at all or was it a game to pass the time since you and your girl were too busy fighting? I will never get these questions answered but it does bother my mind. Why did I have to be the side chick? Did I deserve that from you from anyone? That's a question that will remain open and who knows if I even really want the answer. People always say God doesn't give us more than we can bare but he is also a jealous God.
I don't know what the lesson is that he is trying to teach me, I'm scared of what else he has to show me if he is not done. Were you the lesson? Was the result the lesson? Or is this the lesson? I still have yet to figure that out. I think I know what it might be. Slow down? Stop looking for love in all the wrong faces? Stop? Its hard to determine exactly what someone wants from you, you just hope and pray that its something that will not harm you in the long run or someone else. If it does I guess you have to take your time to heal from it however long that takes. But is the healing process good enough? I used to tell myself that only those who I care about can affect me in such a negative way, but its more than that. I find myself caring about people who don't care about me or getting feelings for no reason or jealous. For what? So I can continue to waste my time on someone else? I think I have the answers for one question and then I get a ton more and then they just keeping coming one after another it never ends. When will it end? When will my hatred for you and my anger and my frustration end with you? When will my heart, mind, and soul have peace. When will my emotions finally FEEL? That's what I really want to know, that's something you can never answer. A selfish person like you has no idea the hurt you caused me or the pain.
You lie at night doing what you want to do and have no care in the world of the people you hurt and the people you lie about and to. I keep saying to myself that karma's a bitch and it always come around to those who have done wrong to others. Maybe it will come to you, maybe it won't. Maybe I will get to see it, maybe I won't. I would love to see, I think that would make me extremely happy in the end but would it make me a whole person, no. A Christian doesn't seek vengeance of any sort, although I know half of us do wish it on people, I'll be honest and admit that. I have thought about vengeance on you, I have thought about smearing your name all across the city just to say you can't hide nor do you deserve to be happy. But for what? So I can get arrested and in trouble for defamation, even though what I would write would be true to a "T" your not worth my time and mind.
I spent a lot of money for my education and then to let it go to waste on you, that would be sad on my part. I guess we all have our demons to face, some of us will just keep pushing them in the closet to hide them, others will walk away as if they have none or society created skeletons that they didn't help in making. I have skeletons but most of mine I am not afraid of them. At the end of the day, my skeletons are a constant reminder that there will always be wounds to heal and wounds leave scars. But, to never let those wounds go so deep that they can never heal. Your a scar and you left your mark, but living with regrets all over me is something that I can't do or allow myself to do. For what? Life is mine to have and to take, I see everyday people making their dreams come true so why can't I? Because like you said I don't believe I can do something I have so much going for myself I let myself stop me. I can do anything I want to do, still can and will strive at it if I give 100% so why don't I? Because I am afraid of failing? Hell you only fail if you don't try, if you don't speak up, if you don't take the next step. One thing I did like about you, you encouraged me to do better to have better to want better. Even when something goes back the yang part pulls you in having you to want more.
I wonder why you don't take your own advice and live to be better not just to "impress" whomever it is but for your kids? I am sure they would want to see a man about his business an not always doing his business... but that's up to you and not me. That's an era in your life that you have to be ready for when you can be... I guess.
I guess for tonight that is all I have, the mind is finally settling down and I think my emotions have eased. Writing this letter to you, even though you will never read it gives me some kind of comfort to know that I can release some anger out, disappoint, regret of not knowing. Maybe this is what God wants me to do, write from my heart. Its the purest thing that I have to give and maybe the longest latest impression that I will have left to give to society. Maybe he is telling me to accept my calling and stop running from it because I am too scared to follow through with what I need to do. Maybe this is my stress relief and comfort, at the end of the day this is my mind and heart on paper and no one not even you can take that away from me.