nette_08

So it has come to this one class left and I am finally done with my undergraduate level of college. At this point I have no idea if I am going to grad school, if I do decide I think I will try Cleveland State and see if I can get local internships in downtown Cleveland which I don't think will be that hard. I recently sent my resume and cover letter to Columbus so I hopefully will get hired in to the Obama Campaign here in Cleveland. That will give me more training and I will finally start off with a pay check. I also applied to work at Rally's and hopefully get a job at Deals close to my home that way I can a local job in my area and not rely on a job somewhere I don't live.

My class grades finally came in and I was shocked that I had a C in my Critical Reading and Writing class because the first 2 papers were not my best and the quizzes he had us do I did not do so well on them. But I guess at the end of the day I can still pass a class if I really want to and try hard enough. If I think about getting a further degree I will have to practice my writing skills better. Even though I hate poetry that is a part of English Language no matter how boring it is.

Me and Josh are doing okay thus far hanging out with each other. We recently attended a comedy show with his favorite comedian which I doubt majority of people have not heard of him, his name is Jim Gaffigan. In real life he isn't that bad he's actually kinda funny and I can see why he appeals to Josh. The idea of the lazy white man I can see that in Josh when he decides to sleep all day and not do anything on his day off when you don't have time to do anything. But I guess who wants to do anything on their day off if you don't necessarily have to. Plus I think spending time with him is giving me a break away from my sister who is so dramatic for no reason helps to make me not go crazy.

I am also planning to make an Akron trip to see my Big and Alex for a little bit, I bet Akron is really pretty in the summer and this will give me another break away from my sister. So far me and my sister are trying to lose weight by walking up and down our street but I know my body, I am going to have to physically work it out and sweat for at least an hour straight before I can see some results. Josh wants to go to a water park and I don't feel too comfortable wearing my bathing suit all like that since I have gained weight.

Well more to come this summer...

This Friday will be the last class I have at the University of Akron for the spring semester for this year completely in 2012. After next week I will be taking my last class at Tri-C finishing up my degree in Political Science. So I sit here and wonder what the future holds for me in the next 3 months on whether I will be able to find a job for me. I have sent out a resume to the Board of Elections in Cleveland I still have to write my cover letter which shouldn't be that hard and then fill out the application for a job offer I hope pans out for me in June. Besides the year ending I am very happy that I am more calm and ready to graduate and gradually enter the big boy world. I am also hoping my sister is able to find an internship for her career soon rather than later. I think she finally realizes the importance of having a job that you want to help support the degree you graduated with and not just a job that has a decent amount of money. I think she learned the hard way but it is a good thing she learned.

Sorry if my writing sounds spacey I think its just time for me to go to bed for the night and wake up in the morning and study hard core.

So this is my last Spring Break that I will experience for the rest of my life or until I go back to school if that is what I choose to do in the future. So I tried to get as much as my projects done during the week and some were a success in other ways it was a total failure. I have yet to practice my Charla for Spanish and I am really nervous that I will fail since I have no note cards or made up questions to what I want to ask or how I would like to answer. I also don't feel as adequate as I should in my Intermediate class but, I can't doubt myself now that I am this close to ending the semester. I am also hoping to get my grade up in Professional Writing and American Literature since both of my major projects and tests were not so good. I have 6 weeks left to turn this semester around and start believing in myself.

I weighted myself this past weekend and I am still not at the weight I would like to be at this point in my life. I was hoping that I would weight at least 230 pounds by the end of March. But I still weight over 240 pounds. So I guess when I'm done with school and keep myself busy during the summer I will be able to lose weight even faster. But knowing me and what I want to do versus what I actually do is two different stories.

So I guess I will head back to getting work done while I still have a little bit of time left.

Well Spring Break starts at the end of this week and already I have plans to try and get the majority of my projects done or at lest attempt them. I feel like this is going to be the heaviest work load I will have and I mine as well get most of it done while I still have the time. That way when April roles by I can some what relax because I will be working and traveling a lot.

So me and Josh got into our first argument since we have been hanging out. I guess I am pissed because I'm content where we are but at the same time I want more. I wish he would be honest and up front and say hey I don't mind hanging out with you I just don't see myself dating you. I wish he would just say that but he doesn't. I wish he would be the typical guy with the famous line of " I'm just not that into you." He always answers I don't know where I see us long term like he is determining if everything goes well now who knows what 5 months will bring which is confusing for me. Then he always wants to determine what I am going to do as soon as I graduate as if I am going to just leave. That's not fair, the only person that can determine that is me and it pisses me off when he does that. He wants to plan ahead when there is nothing to plan on. Were not in a relationship but yet we hangout together as if were dating. We don't go together but yet he buys me stuff as if we our. Neither one of us our talking or seeing anyone else but were both single and can do what we want. Wouldn't this upset you and make you feel like your stuck in something that does not exist and yet your putting time and effort into as if it does. That's how I feel I honestly feel like Josh should just say I just want to be friends that's what I want completely. Don't flirt with me, you pay for your own meals, your own dinner and we can be two separate entities instead of acting like one. That's what I want him to say I wish he would say that. It hurts my feelings ever time he says the emotions of someone who wants nothing but yet gets everything. Loves the affection but doesn't want to give it. Needs the attention but only when its convenient, so selfish and unconcerned of how I feel about things especially when it comes to him. I hate explaining my feelings to him constantly cause I feel by now he should get it. Its not like I hide them from him and its not like I don't tell him on a day to day basis how I appreciate the things he does for me and yet I have to. I have to open how I feel when in fact I shouldn't have to. But I don't think I should share those feelings with him anymore. I also feel that I love to be hurt by him because here I am again hanging out with someone who gives me the cold the shoulder when it convenient but will say he is being as open as possible to me and honest. Maybe it me. Maybe I want him to say the words I think can explain everything but he is and I am not listening.

I don't know I feel lost every time it comes to him. On the other side of the fence I will be getting my Spanish test back on Monday and I have another test on Wednesday. If I don't get a good grade on this test I honestly feel that I will not pass this class and there goes my graduation I feel lost completely in my future and whether or not I will finally have a degree in my collective field. I just wish things would come to me easy and they don't I hate college so much and I just want out.

So today was an okay day, the school was kinda closed. Instead of celebrating President Day on Monday like everybody else the university switched it to Tuesday. So I was supposed to wake up around 9 or 8 this morning to start my day off and write and study. But I did not get up til 11:30 so I was already behind schedule. I quickly worked out for 25 minutes did a little laundry and hung out with Alex surprising her residents who have never had a birthday party. She decided to throw them a small celebration which was nice. I studied for my first APO test today and I ended up with a 98% because I did not explain a answer thoroughly but I don't care I passed the first quiz. We also had a little Easter hunt so I got a whole bunch of candy that I really can't eat a lot of, lol. I have been doing good on my weight loss but still no weight has been lost. But hopefully since I am achieving or working on another personal goal that it will finally become successful. I passed my other personal goal by not eating any ice cream for 19 days or until my birthday which I was able to do and I am proud of myself. So now I am trying to workout for 30mins each day for the next month. I think if I can do this for a month I will extend it to the next month. I am just trying to do baby steps until I finally reach my goal of 200 pounds. Its still hard for me to say my exact weight online or when I am talk to anyone.

So we had a Career Fair last week and I gave out my resume about 8 times so I have to get on it and apply to some of the other locations. I felt a lot better at this job fair and what I wanted to do and what I was looking for better then when I was at Cleveland State. I was more prepared and very outspoken and I wore the right outfit and looked conservative. I had my resume looked over by the Career Center adviser so it was more ready for managers and human resource managers to look at. So far I have gotten two contacts from two perspective positions at two different companies I just have to follow up and remain in contact with them.

So my sister and I have had almost in every phone call confrontations. Its like she spends the majority of her time arguing with me over the little things that I have chose to do in my life or what I chose not to do in my life. She must have an opinion about them, good or bad. The situation that I feel towards her is sometimes hostile, its like she wants to argue with me over everything and I don't know why.

But that is all I can say for now gotta go to be early day tomorrow and much to do at the same time.

So I have not given up on exercising, I just have to get my body back in the mix of things. I am stiff all over so I have to fully stretch every part of my body out to obtain the flexibility I once had about a week ago going on two weeks. I have started to get myself prepared for the Career Fair, I am more nervous than I was when I went to the first career fair. I think the only reason why I feel that way is because its all or nothing. I have to be able to land a job here, if I can't land a job here than I have to do the outreaching as much as I can with what I know and who I know and that is very limited. So I have to spend the next couple of days researching all of the companies I have gained interest in and see where I would fit in to their perspectives and new hiring list. I also have to make sure that I at least print out several copies of my updated resume so if they ask for it I will have that available for them as well. I have already gone to the Career Center and they have looked over my past resume and told me the way it is supposed to look and how updated my information should be as well as any awards I should have printed on my paper and that I should stick it to one page only no more than that. I don't know if I will be doing a cover letter but, the advisor basically said that I shouldn't worry about it because a cover letter is usally asked tengent on my getting an interview and is a summary of my resume.

So that is the good news with that, although I need to use my time wisely when it comes to this weekend. I took a Spanish exam today and I think I bombed it. I did not feel confident at all when I was taking it so I have no idea. I also think this was the worst week for me. I got my paper back from Critical Reading and Writing class and it was a bad grade, I didn't fail it but he basically ripped my paper apart and of course told me to go to the writing center. So I am walking my behind to the writing center and having them look over what I need to correct so that way I can get a better grade. I also have to redo another assignment for my Professional Writing class, its just part of the process before we actually get a grade on it and it needs to be a B or higher in order to be used in a real life situation. By the way I though most of these English courses would be easy, nope they are hard just like my Spanish course so I guess I proved to myself as much as I want to write or would love to do it one day, I suck at writing how I feel and explaining it thoroughly.

Anyway my sister called me and told my she has a over the phone interview so I hope she does well. I wish she was here getting all the tips that I get for phone interviews so she does not screw it up. Sometimes my sister is an air head so she never fully explains herself as well as she should so I am really worries that she will end p messing it up when she really does not mean to. My sister contemplated on getting out mother a birthday card mainly because our mother really does not make an effort to know here children or try to evolve herself in their lives as much as she should. But you never really know, my aunt asked if I was going to invite her to my graduation in August. I told my sister yes, I would like my mother to see me get my first Bachelor's degree but who knows I invited her to my graduation when I got my Associates Degree but that's in the past.

I have not talked to my dad since I have been back in school, again its the same relationship I have with my parents, non existent. It's really sad that I have no relationship with the people who have basically given birth to me. It makes me lie at night sometimes wondering what more could be done on my part when I feel that I have done everything in my power to make a connection. My cousin Micheal is making an effort to come to my graduation, he asked my aunt to ask me when the date would be which is nice. I guess I should make an effort to talk to him considering I did not think about him even coming to my graduation which feel great.

On a even bigger note I have to make sure that I apply for summer school before times runs out and I also have to make sure I feel out financial aid for the last time which I am excited about. I don't have to take out any more loans and maybe I will be a big refund check so I can pay off this stupid credit card bill that I have been trying to pay off for the past 10 years almost. I know what most people say is you pay off what you owe and then just keeping making payments to build up your credit but I really just want to get rid of the card. The last time I kept making payments I got it down to the lowest payment on it and then started charging again to pay for school stuff. But I guess we will see

So me and Josh are doing ok, I feel like in some cases its going to be okay then in others I feel like I need more of an effort. If I don't make the first moves then he will never. But, I also feel that he's a guy or supposed to be the guy in the relationship he should make the moves. I don't know what to do. I'm definitely not into re-dating right now just like being around him and having fun but at the same time while I am having fun I am noticing things that I don't like mainly him being unemotional and not showing some type of interest in me even though he says he is attracted to me. I don't know I'll just leave that one alone.

So my weight loss life has been a complete failure I think I have given up on this so called adventure to lose weight. No matter how hard I try it seems that my body's metabolism has shut down completely and I have emotionally given up. I still count my calories when I eat out or eat on campus. I still drink water and only drink soda maybe once a week or two but exercise...Yea, that is basically the evil nemesis of my existence. I don't have the time for any of it. This is the busiest I have been with school, volunteering, projects since I first left Kent and working out just does not fit into the equation at all. If I work out then I sacrifice time reading, studying, preparing for the next workshop class I need to build my career. If I do study and prepare myself then I miss out on a lifetime to gain life and be healthy. So what am I supposed to do? I could work out at night but the body does not burn as much fat as it would if it was during the day. I don't wake up in enough time to exercise at 6 in the morning to get the cardio in like your supposed to. Its just so depressing and aggravating to see so many people on tv do it at home and succeed and I'm in school and struggling.

So, I applied to take my last class at a college closer to home and I had a meeting with the dean of my college and she had no problem giving me permission to take my last class. So now I have to make sure I apply and transfer the last credits back to the University so that they can send me my diploma. So happy and excited. I also took my first test for Spanish and I got a decent grade of a high C, basically I was one point off from getting a B which I was upset about but, that was way better than my first initial grade in Beginning Spanish 1 where all I got were F's and D's. Long way coming I have to say, I have to keep this up and hope and pray this last class I take since it's only a 5 week course and its a 2 hour long class 3 days a week. But enough of that, so far my senior year to coming along the way I like. I am up on my homework, well most of the things I am into and don't have to dread reading it because it is extremely boring..i.e my Critical Reading and Writing class.

Another thing which I didn't expect was me and Josh talking again and on good terms. No one in my family knows except for my sister of course became I have to tell her everything and not one of my friends no because I want to figure things out for myself. This time I am going to look at the future and not the past. I know that he hurt me in the worst way and what he did was wrong and yes could he do it again probably, but I think he has learned the value of what he had and also has learned what he stands to loose if it happens again. I can't keep holding the past against him and punish myself for being constantly mad at him. That's not something I want to live my life with or have over my head like this bitter old lady at the age of 25. I am going to be another graduate and I should look to the future not the past. I feel more positive and out going when I think of the possibilities I have going for me at this point nothing can stop me but myself. He even knows there is not guarantee that I will be living in the same state so at this point we are hanging out with each other and enjoying the time we spend together which is nice to have. I like talking to him and discussing the news of today, most of my friends I can't talk to about politics because it upsets them or they just don't care. With him oh he like discussing it especially when he thinks he is right when in reality he is wrong.

My sister is still looking for a job and she has volunteered to work at a hospital to get some experience but I feel she needs to physically go in and talk to an administrator to start gaining experience sine she graduates in October with her Bachelor's Degree in Health Administration. My aunt recently received her tests back from her doctor about her kidney's and he told her that she needs to go on dialysis immediately. Her kidneys are at 12% which as you can see is the worst place for them to be at plus she was at 80% just a month ago. I don't know what she plans to do, she is scared about the procedure and thinks there has not been enough research on it for her to go into surgery. My grandmother on the other hand is now in a nursing home going through physical therapy for her legs. Her knees were at a point she could barely walk and my aunt called the EMS to take her to the hospital. It was in enough time because the hospital found blood clots in both her knees, her blood pressure was high, her diabetes was horrible, she was also dehydrated. So I am glad she is getting better and she now has color back in her cheeks. So besides some family set backs the year is looking steady for me lets hope it remains that way no telling what is going to happen in the next 10 months

I am back in school!! Yay celebration all around. I can't believe I am this close to graduating I have never been this close to receive my Bachelors Degree from any university. The only thing I have to do now is do my part and pass all my classes the first time around especially Spanish the hardest subject in my eyes I think I have this semester. I have a lot more reading due to all my English courses that I have left to take. So enough about school, I have my own room again so I don't have to bother with a roommate or someone who doesn't shower on a regular basis. I also get to have my sister come and visit or friends stay over if they want to crash since I have an extra bed all made up.

Still single and learning to be happy with that I think I am realizing that maybe my sister is right that I am impatient. I think I have a tendency not to wait and feel that if I let a guy in that he will automatically let me in or if I go out and search that he will automatically be the "One" and obviously that does not happen in real life and I need to live in reality. Life is not a fairy tale where Mr. Prince Charming is going to swoop you off your feet its a relationship that continuously evolves and must be worked on but two people must be wholes to complete a half and not the other way around. My aunt suggested to me to start reading the bible and to start with the book of James and to work my way around there and then finally read the bible from front to back. I think it is really good to learn the bible but also understand what you are reading. But for me it is really hard because the its so complex and if you have never been taught how to read and interpret it then your going to be lost trying to find the right information that fits you. So I have to train myself to read the Bible and ask questions cause I think that is another way for me and my aunt to build a stronger bond with each other maybe even a stronger bond with my Grandmother when I don't feel that she is judging me for every little thing she feels I am doing wrong.

My sister moved back into the house since she lost her job so she is currently looking for employment in the Cleveland area for anything that will pay. She tried out for the casino job and was denied, I hate being denied for jobs and don't know the reason why you don't qualify but they give you some one liner reasoning "We had other qualified applications" or "We have filled all our available positions please apply next year" or the best one "if we have a position that opens up we have your application on file and will contact you with further questions." But any who yea that is where she is at as of right now so I hope it all works out for her in the future. I am currently looking for a second job on campus since I have available free time to work long hours and really need the money so I am applying for a CA position on campus and then I will apply for other positions that may be available.

Well its getting late so I should head off to bed. Oh, since I have made my New Year's resolution to lose weight I have lost a total of 10 pounds!! I am happy I have to make exercise a routine but other than that I am happy that I have lost 10 pounds in a week, if I keep the progress up who knows what my end results will be.

Worst case scenario that could happen to you? What would you do first than last in order...any order? I sometimes wonder that and think to myself, which I do a lot, how would I solve a problem that I couldn't solve. I also would think of ways that could make the situation worst only so it would seem to make it better. I hate being in a room where I think and I'm laughing then as soon as I get online I feel depressed. I read updated Facebook status's and think to myself, why can't my life be like there's why can't I be happy like they are. Then I write some sappy sad status on my wall just to get a response from people who don't even talk to me on a regular basis or even worry about me when things in my life are going wrong. I mean, you have to admit it to yourself, not everyone you are friends with online are the closest friends you have or people who you know would go to the end of the world with you and back. Hell, I can count on my one hand how many people would do that for me and it makes me feel great but also sad. What if those people who I hold near and dear to my heart die the next day, or what if they move away or some big catastrophic ordeal happens and I am stuck in this world by myself. I would feel heart broken and sad and depressed even more. So I sit here in my dorm room writing to a computer on a journal online because I know that no one on my other site will ever read it or bother to look at it and think and wonder to themselves have they ever felt this way before. Nor will I ever have to wonder if someone I am talking about reads this because its evasion of privacy. The main reason why I got this live journal account was because I wanted to know more about this guy I liked my sophomore year of college and then decided to leave messages on his journal. But then I grew to like this site even more because in the time of need I needed it just as much as my sanity needed me.

So here I am in the 26th year of my life come Feb, and I feel that through all of the years I have been alive I feel like as much as I have learned I have also lost. I lost myself a couple of times by dating the wrong men. I have lost all hope and faith by crying my eyes out to God and felt punished for not doing the right thing. I have lost 2 jobs in which one was clearly my fault and the other could kiss my ass. I'm not married no kids and yet still working on a Bachelor's Degree which if I hadn't fucked up the first time I went to school I would have at least had a Master's Degree by now. I still live in a dorm on campus and with my grandmother at home, I don't drive or own a car because I have no license and nor do I have 5 dollars to piss on for shits and giggles because I am broke....and yet I am alive. I have a aunt who cares and fights for me everyday through pray and found a way to get me to school and paid off my fall tuition. I have a goofy eccentric sister who wants and feels she needs to find love when she has it right in front of her. I have friends for the first time in my life who I can laugh and be goofy with and trust to tell them things which I couldn't do at my old school. As much as I would love to be married and have a child, again I don't have 5 dollars to piss on so I don't think that would be enough to wipe a baby's ass and not to be mean but I rather be single than marry a man for 72 days only say "Oops I rushed into things"

I love my life, I have no choice but to its the only one I have. Even if I don't get married or have kids at least I know in due time I lived my life and I have those people who are close to me on my one hand that I can count to share it with. That's irreplaceable, so in my 26th year of life I hope to change the first 25 years and learn from all the mistakes I made so by the time I am 27 I will have learned more than I lost.